Less than six years

Kids, I know it’s not typical for me to be so “emo” in public, but I think I’m beginning to understand why Jerm opens up so much when he blogs. There’s something about this forum that feels personal—allowing one to be open and expressive—even though it’s completely unpersonal, and literally everyone on the planet can read it. But maybe that’s where the comfort is too—knowing that it is only the ones who really care that are the ones who really read it.

Anyway…

It was one week ago tonight, that I was sitting at home, my second night in a row of being lame and alone, when I saw this interesting program on the W network. It was a reality dating program, based out of Manhattan, in which a date doctor finds miracle matches for the women guests on her show. That faithful night, the subject was a 32-year old single woman who had never had a serious relationship and had never experienced love. This show struck a chord with me, as I realize I am less than six years from becoming that very same woman.

The next night was the last night of the three-day design conference that I had been attending so I went out to the evening wrap-up party held at a downtown club. I didn’t know anyone else there, except for one of my coworkers, and a few familiar faces from the conference that we’d been at for the whole weekend. Most of the night, I was a bit of a wallflower, although I socialized with my coworker, her friends, and a couple of random guys who saw me sitting by myself. I think I’m quite good at “small talk” and feigning interest in conversations with people who I’m totally uninterested in. Overall however, it was just an okay-night, nothing too spectacular or memorable. But I’m glad I went. I think…

It’s rare for me to put myself into uncomfortable situations like that—I’m the type who likes to feel confident, cool, and in control at all times. But I knew I had to do it, that it’s “good” for me to go out more, and challenge myself to hopefully make myself a stronger and more confident person. At the very least I can say I went out on a night that I would normally stay at home, and count it as a quasi-attempt to get myself off my own “lame-list”.

Tonight though, I also realize how this small incident is actually reflected in the big picture of my so-called life. I think perhaps that one of the reasons for me coming out to Toronto was to purposely put myself in an upsetting situation, in hopes that it would jumpstart my life overall.

Yesterday marked my seven month anniversary in this new city. In all honestly, I would’ve never have predicted a year ago, or even seven months ago that I would be where I am now. Am I happy here? Have I found what I’ve been seeking and accomplished what I’ve wanted by coming here? I don’t think so. Not yet, at least. But anxiety hits when I think about the time and how quickly it passes. Especially six short years.